I thought I would tell my story. The reason I am where I am. Everything that has brought the darkness.
I’ve always been a fairly happy, easy-going person. Nothing really bothered me. I found humor is just about every situation. Then with my second baby, I had to have a C-section. In the hospital they gave me morphine for pain control. It did nothing for the pain, but I made my brain fuzzy. This the moment I feel brought the darkness. In the next few weeks, I started to have mood swings. I would be happy and laughing one minute and then in a total rage the next. This was not like me at all. I got the feeling that postpartum Depression was setting in. Luckily, instead of feeling of hurting my children, I became overprotective. I was so scared something would happen to my children. There would be times I would tell my older daughter to please go play in her room because I felt a mood swing coming on. I also had a huge craving for chocolate. Chocolate has a chemical similar to serotonin, which brings on feeling of happiness. During of my check-ups, I was telling the Doctor my symptoms and he told me, Yes it was depression. He prescribed Wellbutrin. He also suggested working out and getting at least a part-time job so I would get out of the house periodically. I did what he suggested. After about 9-months, I was feeling so much better, no more mood swings, no more chocolate cravings. I was taken off the antidepressants.
That’s when I noticed how manipulating and controlling my husband was. People had tried to tell me before, but when you have been slowly and methodically drawn into the control you don’t see it. But when my kids became targets of the emotional and psychological abuse, I couldn’t let it go on. I started to resist and fight back. My Scot-Irish temper and stubbornness took over. But even though I was doing something good for my kids and myself, it caused a lot of stress. I finally asked for a divorce and that is when the hostility really got bad. He stopped paying the mortgage and racked up a lot of debt on accounts he had opened with my name on them. We ended up losing the house, and luckily I was accepted into a housing program sponsored by my church I had just started back to a full-time office job, but it was still hard to make ends meet at first because the debtors came after me when my husband defaulted on the credit accounts he maxed out. This doubled my stress. I wanted to remain strong for my kids, so I hid a lot of the stress. This is when I started to see a therapist to talk things out and figure out how to communicate with my Ex, to get him to do the things he should for the girls, and I started back on the antidepressants. I’ve been on the medication since, that was 8 years ago. I saw the therapist for about 9-10 months and she educated me a lot of abusive relationships and the cycle that is repeated over and over to keep you in the loop.
I was doing alright for a while, but the stress increased due to a very awful manager who thought it was OK to bully people, once to a point of causing a massive stroke in one of my coworkers. I finally set things in motion to get the woman fired, but not before the damage was done. This woman denied me pay raises 3 times because I would not acquiesce to her machinations. But I couldn’t not stand up for what I believed to be right. What example would that set for my kids. So despite the effects to my finances, I would not back down. But when you have bills and your paycheck doesn’t always cover them, you tend to get stressed.
3 years ago, the love of my life, my soul mate passed away from a very aggressive cancer. We had dated for 7 years off and on (he had committment issues due to past relationships) but we remained best friends. When he called to tell me of the cancer, a piece of my heart died. Within a year he was gone. His daughter was supposed to call me at the end, but I heard of his death from my sister, who saw it on Facebook. I fell to the floor, it felt like a piece of my soul was ripped out of me that day. It was 3 days until his funeral. I spent those 3 days laying in bed, crying. This is what sent me over the edge into the deep darkness.
This past year, I started back seeing the therapist. I told her I wasn’t suffering with depression, I was fighting it and intended to continue fighting…again showing my stubbornness. She was impressed at the steps I had already done (fighting the voices telling me to stay in bed). She gave me a list of things I could do, starting with one and adding another every week or so. This blog is one of the suggested activities along with journalling.
I am determined to fight the darkness for as long as it takes. I want my life back. I keep my friend in my heart, for he is my guardian angel and is always going to be with me. He wants me happy and to not be lonely. In my journey out of the darkness, I want to help others who are suffering, dealing or fighting.
Fight the Darkness