Well, it’s that season again. The Holiday season. The season when it is expected that you be happy and social. For someone battling the darkness of depression it’s a difficult season.

My entire life I looked forward to Christmas. Not because of the gifts I received, but looking forward to the reactions of everyone to the gifts I gave them. Making Christmas Cookies and giving them to the neighbors. And of course decorating!! I spent an entire weekend putting up my tree, putting the lights on just perfectly, arranging the ornaments just so. Putting out the rest of the decorations, wreaths, garland, and my Christmas town. This year the thought of getting the decorations out was daunting. I almost convinced myself not to decorate. But then I thought, everything looks so much more festive and happy with lights and ornaments. I made this decision on my way home from work one night. When I was a kid 95% of the houses had lights, now you’re lucky if one house on each block has lights. In the north, where I live, this time of year is dreary and everything looks grey, We need the Chistmas lights and decorations to brighten everyone’s mood. I’m not one to rush the holdays. Even though my favorite radio station started playing Christmas music the 2nd week of November, I turned the station off until after Thanksgiving. I feel like if I start the holidays too early by the time they get here, I’m totally over them. I try to do my shopping early to avoid the crowds, and I definitely do not shop on Thanksgiving or Black Friday…that is insane!!!

But the hardest part of the season is the anniversary of my friend’s death. He passed on December 30th. My kids were always with their father on Christmas Day, so my friend and I would bum around together. In the 9 years I knew him, we only gave each other gifts one year. It was enough to just hang out together and have some laughs. This is the time of year I really miss him. I feel blessed to have known him, but I would really love to have him back. You never fully recover from losing a soulmate, and that is what he was. I feel he is still watching over me, and I still have conversations with him, I just can’t hear his responses. Maybe he’ll bring me a new man to spend holidays with for Christmas. 🙂

I apologize for the holiday rambling. As I said, this is a very difficult time for me. If I didn’t have my girls and their friends for the holidays, I don’t know how I would get through the season. I understand why hotlines are crazy busy this time of year. It’s hard to keep smiling when you’re broken inside. But I’m a fighter, and a very stubborn person, so I will not, I cannot give in to the darkness. I have to keep fighting.


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