I know it isn’t normal for someone to not want to go out and enjoy activities of some sort. I remember going out and having fun. I would love to have that again. I just have to work up to it. Every time I make plans I start thinking up excuses as to why I can’t go. My daughter, God bless her, always tells me to stop making excuses and just try going out.
A couple nights ago, my library was hosting a trivia night at a bar that is right across the street from my house. I love trivia, so I thought it might be fun. They said if you didn’t have a team, they would match you with people. OK. Sounds good. Of course I got home from work and I was tired. I just wanted to put my pajamas on and curl up under a blanket. My daughter was not having it. (Can you tell she is my support team?) So I went! It was only 2 hours.
I walked in, and it was a quaint neighborhood bar…pool tables, dart boards, music…nice. I was expecting someone from the library to be greeting people, but there wasn’t. A waitress came up and asked if I was there for trivia. She told me to sit anywhere is a certain section. The activity was from 7pm to 9pm, a library representative finally came up to me at 7:15 and asked if I was expecting anyone else or if I was by myself. I said I was alone. She told me I could grab a seat at some other team’s table or stay on my own. I was not going to horn in on an established team if they didn’t want an extra person! I was thinking they would have asked teams if they wanted an extra beforehand.
I stayed. I was at a table by myself. No one even passed by and said Hi. Nothing. They all had their little groups and weren’t socializing with anyone else. I started to feel very sad. The bar reminded me of places I used to go to with the love of my life before he passed. Have you ever had that feeling of being in a room full of people but still feeling more alone than ever. That’s what I was feeling. When you have depression, that is not a good feeling at all. I was on the verge of tears for a while. Then they started with the trivia questions which distracted me a bit. I wasn’t doing too bad really. But when you are one person against teams of 4-6 people, you would need to be a trivia genius to fare very well at all. The first 3 rounds I got 3 out of the 5 questions correct, but I was in last place.
I couldn’t handle it anymore I was feeling very stupid and very much alone. I got up and left. As soon as I got out of there, I felt a little better. I got home and my daughter wanted to know why I was home so soon. I told her what went on and she came up and gave me a hug and told me she loves me. That made me feel better!
I was just glad I tried. I may not be back to trivia night unless I find someone to go with. But I made an attempt. An attempt at normalcy. An attempt at Fighting the Darkness.