I have come to the conclusion that I make my own happiness. I have been divorced for 8 years. I was in a relationship with someone for quite a few years. I lost him to Cancer 3 years ago and that is what really deppened my depression. I have never lost someone so close to me before. The grief was almost unbearable. It felt like a piece of my heart and soul were ripped out of me. Those were dark days. Since then people have told me I need to find a man. I’d be happier with a companion. I love people for caring, but I will meet someone in time. I need to find my own happiness first. I’m still processing my grief, and I am getting better. But I cannot rely on another person to make me happy. They can enhance my happiness, but they cannot make me happy. Does that make sense?
I have to be happy with myself. Happy with where I am in my life, my work, even my own company. I need to be happy in my own skin. At that point, I can help make someone else happier, and they can enhance my happiness. I must admit, it isn’t fun trying to go out by myself. I don’t have any single friends to pal around with, and I don’t want to be a 3rd wheel for anyone. Online dating has produced no real connections. I’m sorry, but older, single men act very much like teenage boys! I want someone who wants to get to know me and build a relationship. I want what I had with the love of my life. I don’t think that is too much to ask. And I am not willing to compromise my beliefs for anyone.
A lot of my depression comes from losing people. I have lost too many people in my life, family and friends. Some of the people I lost were way too young to die. Only the Good Die Young…as Billy Joel would say. I know those who love us never really leave us. I feel these souls around me all the time, I just wish I could physically see them. Where are my paranormal abilities? I always wonder if Mediums see their loved ones all the time. That’s a question I’d like to ask.
Stress is another one of the factors to my depression. I have control issues, and anyone with control issues will tell you…control is a myth. You cause yourself more stress by trying to control what you have no control over. The only thing you have conttrol over is yourself and your happiness. If you try to control someone else, you will never be happy. As a mom this is so hard for me. Anyone who is a parent will understand. You are responsible for this little person for 18 years at the very least. You want them to have a better life than you had. So you want to take them by the hand and help them make good decisions…but in all truthfulness…you have to let them make their own decision, their own mistakes and just be there for them when they need advice. This is the hardest part of parenting…letting go.
So until I can work through these internal issues, my true happiness is illusive. I’ll get there. Happiness is my quest, my goal in fighting as hard as I have. I do not want to stay in the darkness. I want to have at least partly sunny skies. So come on my journey…
Let’s Fight the Darkness together.