New perspective



20190630_195303337856686902688614.jpgAs a Type-A personality, I like my lists. I always have. I would make a to-do list, and if I completed something that wasn’t on the list, I would add it just so I could put a line through it. Silly, I know, n=but it kept my thoughts organized. As depression has sunk in, I started to not make lists and just focus on one thing at a time, and in doing so…tasks started to seem overwhelming. When I start to get overwhelmed, I start to shutdown as well.

I have been working on a huge project at work, because the previous person totally neglected what they were supposed to be doing, and our Executives found themselves being threatened with jail terms. I knew what needs to be done, and I know what my end goal is…but I didn’t make any sort of list of steps. Even though I have been getting things done, I don’t feel any closer to the end than when I started. My Director keeps telling me what a great job I’m doing, she is thankful I took the job on, etc. But in my mind I have fallen behind, and I am not doing as well I could be doing.

Saturday, my therapist told me to make a step-by-step list of tasks that need to be done in order to get to my goal. Take it from the very beginning to the end. Don’t skip a step.  Once the list is made, I can then go back and check off what is already done. That afternoon, I did just that. I’m almost half-way to my goal. I won’t make my goal within the first year, like I wanted to do, but I have made good progress. I am an All-or-Nothing person, which means I never look to see how far I’ve come, just how far I need to go, which is why lists serve a purpose with me.

So I made a new saying to put up in my cubicle – “Take time to look in the rearview mirror to see how far you’ve come.” I know there are a ton of motivational people who say, “Don’t look behind you, you aren’t going that way.” But sometimes you need that little bit of encouragement to say, look what you have already accomplished!!

From today on, I will be looking in the rearview to Fight the Darkness.

Good Grief

What is grief? How long should someone grieve?

Grief by definition is deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death. In reality, it is when a piece of your soul dies because someone or something you love is gone. This could be a loved one, a pet, a dear friend, it doesn’t matter.

The thing is, everyone NEEDS to grieve. It is the way the mind and body process the loss. Without grief there can be no healing. Grief is good.

Now how long should a person grieve…well that’s up to the person, the depth of the relationship and how they process the emotions.

I’ve been in different levels of grief for over 3 years. The day the love of my life passesd was the day I first felt how it feels to lose 1/2 your heart and soul. I will never stop grieving for him, but life does go on and I know he wouldn’t want me wasting the rest of my life in that dark place.

So grieve how you need to grieve. But always try to Fight the Darkness.

Ups & Downs

56aba199dd0895a3018b478f-750-5008659706952050672527.jpgI have finally found a good guy. Very understanding.

Still having stress at work, trying to do two jobs at once.

Youngest daughter graduated high school! I deleted all the school numbers from my phone.

I wasn’t able to go to Hawaii for my sister’s vow renewal. That’s a once in a lifetime thing.

My oldest nephew came into town for a day and we had a great time in the city,


This is the roller coaster that is my life. I’m sure everyone has a life like this to some extent, right? Several years ago I would never even think of writing about it. But with this depression the disappointments seem bigger and the high points less high. But I am trying to see the positives.

I don’t try to think of accuses not to go out when it’s a date with my new guy!

I have the ability to do 2 jobs when needed. It’s only my type-A that makes me think I’m not doing either job well.

My daughter is on her way to adulthood. She has plans that she’s working on.

I really don’t understand vow renewals. Once you take a vow, why would you have to retake the vow. It says, “until death do us part.” That’s forever, right? It would have been nice to go to Hawaii, but it really would have stretched my budget, and it’s a long flight. My brother wasn’t able to go either.

I don’t get to see my family as much as I would like, so it was nice to spend the day with my nephew, is son and his new wife.

I think I’m realizing it’s perspective. If I try to see the positive in situations they don’t seem to affect me as negatively, and my depression stays at bay.