Dating & Depression


As a divorced person, I am starting to date again. I basically took 3 years away from that scene when the love of my life passed from Cancer. It devastated me. Now I know why in centuries past people dressed in black and remained in mourning for at least a year.

But I know I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life. My kids are now out of high school and will be moving on with their lives. So I decided that it was time to take care of me. At my age, meeting people is the probably most difficult step. Everyone has their own baggage, it finding someone who has already unpacked and did the laundry…so to speak. It’s hard to move forward when you are tied to the past.  thinkstockphotos-451534581-1280x6405635290665417358726.jpg

Then I have to decide when I bring up the subject of fighting depression. Should I bring it up on the first date, so if they freak out I’m not as invested? Should I wait a bit until I know if the relationship might work out? What if I have a bad day and want to break a date?  Maybe if I actually meet a nice guy, I won’t want to break a date…hmm…

I know I won’t find a duplicate of my love, but a few of the traits would be great! Random texts during the day or night. Tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Generous. Not afraid to show affection. Great sense of humor…I love to laugh!

We’ll see how this goes. I’ve had 3 dates with a man now that I feel I could spend a great deal of time with without wanting to kill him (not literally of course.) Don’t want to be blogging from prison!! datenight75674900738049322.jpg

I just know I don’t want to stay in the darkness any longer. Help me Fight the Darkness.




Hey! June is PTSD Awareness Month!

Most people associate PTSD with Military Veterans. That is a good connection, but it leaves out a great deal more who are affected as well. PTSD is –

This condition includes any person (or animal) who has experienced a traumatic event. So, what encompasses “traumatic?” That would depend on the person. For some it may be a car accident. Others it could be rape, domestic violence, or yes…war.

Let’s look at the definition. PTSD is when the stress and anxiety from a traumatic event are chronic and cause significant life disruption. Can be seen as an overwhelming of the body’s normal psychological defenses against stress.

PTSD can not be instantly diagnosed after an event. But if someone cannot seem to cope with and move past an event, it may be an indicator of something more. As with Depression and Anxiety (which are aso symptoms of PTSD) therapy is needed. You need to talk to a professional who is unbiased and knows what you are going through. No one ever need know you are talking to a therapist. I call my therapy, “PT”. People think it’s physical therapy then, as opposed to Psychiatric Therapy.

Why is it that it is perfectly fine to go to therapy for your physical health, but there is still a stigma when you have therapy for your Pychiatric/Emotional health? Thank goodness this is starting to change. This modern world is so full of stressors, we may be pushing our systems to the red-line.

Anyway, I am rambling again. I have included some more visuals below along with some websites to check out. Being I am not a professional in this field, I cannot speak to this in a more detailed manner. But I do want people to become aware.

Websites: – Veterans of America – US Veterans’ Administration – anxiety & DepressionAssociation of America

Good luck and God Bless

More on Anxiety

My daughter tells me all the time that I do not understand Anxiety. She’s correct. I do not truly understand it because I do not have Anxiety. This is probably true of anyone who does not have any type of illness or condition. This is why it is good that more people are opening up and talking about it.

So, to find out more to try to help, I went on line to find out exactly what she is trying to cope with.

Here is what I found in summary:

Anxiety is intense, excessive and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations. Symptoms may include – fast heart rate, rapid breathing, sweating and feeling tired.

Anxiety only is an indicator of underlying disease when feelings become excessive, all-consuming and interfere with daily life.

All of us have experienced a little anxiety. English class when you had to get up and give a speech/presentation. Taking a big test. Driving for the first time…driving on the expressway for the first time. Signing a mortgage. You all-of-a-sudden see those red flashing lights behind you (I know you know that one!) You get the idea. Now picture this feeling more intensified and longer lasting. Are you getting the picture? I am.

The only issue is that each person is different, which means they will be dealling with it differently and fighting it differently. So it’s a little trial and error. I am of the thought process that we start with natural remedies, such as meditation, essential oils, exercise, breathing techniques. When that doesn’t seem to help…then medication possibly. I think therapy will help everyone. A professional, non-biased individual who does know exactly what you are dealing with, right?

Another treatment which is a bit controversial is Cannabis Oil (CBD). It is legal. No one is going to walk around high. You can find it online or in health food stores. It is just a few drops under the tongue once a day. It is flavored with peppermint. So I will update you with this as we go. Also we are going to try a sleep formula of the oil to see if this helps my daughter get some well-needed sleep. Again updates to come. (

Below I have a few websites to check out to give better understanding to those battling Anxiety and their loved ones. I also am including some visuals to help as well.


Smarter Parenting – a site for parenting children who have Anxiety

9Health – A colorado-based non-profit

National Institutes of Health

This is why I love the young Royals

HeadsTogether along with the Cambridges and Sussexes have launched a new Text Crisis Service in the UK. It’s called Shout. William, Kate, Harry and Meagan are very much behind the issue of Mental health. They are trying to erase the stigma and reluctance of talking about mental health issues.

Here is a link to an article in Harper’s about it.

They are also looking for volunteers to assist with answering texts.


I know I haven’t posted anything about Anxiety. Depression and Anxiety usually go hand in hand. Fortunately, I do not have Anxiety. Maybe because I’m way to stubborn to be anxious about anything.

My daughters, on the other hand do have moderate cases of Anxiety. My older daughter has an Anxiety pet, a cute little Welsh Corgi named Turnip.

The younger daughter just went through spells of chest pains, so we’ll have to see her doctor to see what we can do about that. The Cardiologist said her heart is A-OK.

We have tried essential oils and they provide some relief. My younger daughter also has ADHD so meditation is a bit impossible. We have found an activity that calms her, but it is something she mostly has to do at home. It’s diamond painting. She did take a small picture to school with her though.

I found something on the web that looked interesting and potentially helpful. Here it is:

My Life, My Happiness

I have come to the conclusion that I make my own happiness. I have been divorced for 8 years. I was in a relationship with someone for quite a few years. I lost him to Cancer 3 years ago and that is what really deppened my depression. I have never lost someone so close to me before. The grief was almost unbearable. It felt like a piece of my heart and soul were ripped out of me. Those were dark days. Since then people have told me I need to find a man. I’d be happier with a companion. I love people for caring, but I will meet someone in time. I need to find my own happiness first. I’m still processing my grief, and I am getting better. But I cannot rely on another person to make me happy. They can enhance my happiness, but they cannot make me happy. Does that make sense?

I have to be happy with myself. Happy with where I am in my life, my work, even my own company. I need to be happy in my own skin. At that point, I can help make someone else happier, and they can enhance my happiness. I must admit, it isn’t fun trying to go out by myself. I don’t have any single friends to pal around with, and I don’t want to be a 3rd wheel for anyone. Online dating has produced no real connections. I’m sorry, but older, single men act very much like teenage boys! I want someone who wants to get to know me and build a relationship. I want what I had with the love of my life. I don’t think that is too much to ask. And I am not willing to compromise my beliefs for anyone.

A lot of my depression comes from losing people. I have lost too many people in my life, family and friends. Some of the people I lost were way too young to die. Only the Good Die Young…as Billy Joel would say. I know those who love us never really leave us. I feel these souls around me all the time, I just wish I could physically see them. Where are my paranormal abilities? I always wonder if Mediums see their loved ones all the time. That’s a question I’d like to ask.

Stress is another one of the factors to my depression. I have control issues, and anyone with control issues will tell you…control is a myth. You cause yourself more stress by trying to control what you have no control over. The only thing you have conttrol over is yourself and your happiness. If you try to control someone else, you will never be happy. As a mom this is so hard for me. Anyone who is a parent will understand. You are responsible for this little person for 18 years at the very least. You want them to have a better life than you had. So you want to take them by the hand and help them make good decisions…but in all truthfulness…you have to let them make their own decision, their own mistakes and just be there for them when they need advice. This is the hardest part of parenting…letting go.

So until I can work through these internal issues, my true happiness is illusive. I’ll get there. Happiness is my quest, my goal in fighting as hard as I have. I do not want to stay in the darkness. I want to have at least partly sunny skies. So come on my journey…

Let’s Fight the Darkness together.

Small Victories

I love small victories. I love huge victories. Hey…a win is a win!

Today, my company ran an active shooter drill. The drill was run by a really good security company. They told us we had 3 choices: Run – or evacuate, Hide, or fight. 99.9% of the employees just wanted to hunker down in a locked office and wait. Sorry, that just isn’t me. The last drill we had a couple years ago, I made it to within a few steps of the outside. I thought that was pretty good for a first attempt. I work on the 3rd floor, so not an easy task. I had an escape route planned out. I just made the mistake of opening the door to the stairwell without double-checking for the assailant.

I learned my lesson. For 2 years I thought about how I would get out of our building. I liked the route I picked because there are a lot of places to hide if I need to. I also got a play fire extinguisher to use as a “weapon.” My thought is that a fire extinguisher can provide a smoke screen. I could swing it as I run past the perpetrator and bash them in the head, take out a knee, knock the weapon out of their hands…you name it. I have visualized this.

So we got word that the drill had started. I got about 1/4 way through my route and I hear the shooter coming at me. “Oh Shit!” So I ducked into a cubicle and checked the security mirrors to make sure I couldn’t be seen. The shooter started to leave the area, so I popped my head out, started back on my route and here comes the shooter again!! So I duck into another cubicle. This time I had to dive under a desk because the shooter was actually coming through that section!! Even though it was a drill, my heart rate was up! The shooter walked right past me! Then she was gone…yes a female shooter!! So off I went again. I followed my escape route like I had planned with my fake fire extinguisher. I made it to the far stairwell. WHEW! Now down the stairs…no shooter. Got down to the 1st floor, now to get out. I Made It!!!

I was greeted by the security company’s president. He loved that I had the extinguisher. He actually advises people to grab fire extinguishers for the reasons I listed earlier. Yea Me!!!

I felt so accomplished. My plan worked. I cannot tell you how many people asked me if I made it out without being “killed.”

So maybe, just maybe, I’ll have some people try to evacuate with me. I think I showed them that with planning it can be done. You don’t have to just sit and wait for the shooter to break into an office and shoot you.

Like I said before…I’m a fighter. This is why I will always Fight the Darkness.